The word unforgivable is an excellent adjective to describe an atrocity. Are there acts done by others, including groups and institutions, that you struggle to let go of? To not forgive implies that something hurt you, and you are still hanging on to emotions attached to that experience.
But if something hurts you deeply, and you choose not to forgive, does that mean you are going to continue to hold on to the pain, and let it continue to harm you forever? Because that’s what anger and resentment does – it hurts YOU. The pain that was caused in the past will continue to impact the present and future, unless you learn to forgive.
We forgive for our own benefit. It’s not for the benefit of who we are forgiving.
The dilemma with emotional healing is that in order for us to heal we must forgive, so how do we do this if we label something as unforgivable. Some people make mistakes, and they are easier to forgive, but some people (or institutions)
act with the deliberate intent to cause harm. Forgiving isn’t easy, and sometimes we need to change our perspectives in order to do so.
Traumas are created from horrific experiences, or long term emotional abuse and neglect. By not healing our traumas, which were created in the past, they rob us from joy in the present and potential future. To heal we must forgive, but if you label something as unforgivable, then it may be time to use another word.
You don’t deserve to continue to suffer by refusing to let go, and things beyond your control.
To forgive doesn’t mean you are saying something is okay. You can forgive someone, and choose to never speak to them again. To truly forgive, you are releasing painful emotions attached to a person or institution. It doesn’t mean what was done to you was alright, or that your emotional reaction was wrong.
We forgive to let go of the control a past experience has over us.
Forgiving a stranger for a singular event can be different than forgiving someone who had created pain for you for years. It is difficult to forgive someone who has abused and manipulated you for their own gain. A good example is forgiving an abuser who harmed you for the duration of your childhood.
Anger can be a deeply ingrained emotion, and while we can justifiably connect it to something outside of ourselves, the emotion itself is ours to experience. Anger, hatred and fear are low vibrational emotions, like stress, and can create all sorts of physiological and psychological illness.
In order to heal our emotional wounds, and live a healthier and more enjoyable life, forgiveness is key. When you experience “unforgivable” suffering which has impacted the trajectory of your life, it is crucial to learn to release those stored low-vibrating emotions.
Some say in order to heal, you need to learn to forgive and this can be a stumbling block for some on a healing journey. It isn’t easy, especially if you’ve been comfortably hanging on to an emotion or a belief, for a long time, but it is crucial and using different perspectives can help.
There are several perspective shifts that can be beneficial in letting go of painful emotions. Yes, some may not “deserve” your forgiveness, but it is important to know that your inner pain harms no one, but your own self. Someone can make you angry, but that emotion you are feeling, no matter how long you hang on to it, doesn’t cause effect them.
See them as they once were.
See them as a child.
We all came into this world with a blank slate. Those who hurt you were once hurt themselves. Our personalities are shaped during our early years, and most traumas seem to be passed on generationally.
Our brains are computers, and we are programmed, as children, by the world around us. You never know what someone has been through, but this does not justify their actions. This is a perspective to help release stored painful emotions, and promote wellness.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a good teaching example. Those who suffer with this don’t have the ability to love unconditionally, and tend to see the people around them as tools that can be manipulated. The emotional torture experienced by people close to a narcissist can be so extreme it creates lasting mental illness.
Emotional abuse experienced during childhood can manifest into all sorts of chaos later in life, if healing does not take place. Forgiving someone, who was abusive for a prolonged period, can be difficult. It can be hard to let go of a pain that has always been there with you.
How do you forgive someone who has destroyed your mental and emotional health?
Seeing them as a child, and accepting they weren’t born that way. To develop narcissistic personality disorder, for example, one has to experience a childhood with the absence of any parental love, attention or affection. Typically, they are raised by parents suffering from addiction and/or mental illness, or too busy to tend to any emotional development of their children.
It’s as though empathy wasn’t allowed to develop. Forgive what they said and did, by recognizing the pain they project is a reflection of the persistent pain going on within themselves. We need love and affection in order to develop into a human being with ,empathy.
To become a toxic person, you have to be poisoned first. Abusers typically were abused themselves. Hurt people hurt people, and people who learn to let go and forgive, stop end cycles of trauma.
So shifting your perception, of the person who hurt you, can change how you feel. It doesn’t change their abuse from wrong to right. It means that just because someone is physically an adult, they can still emotionally be at a toddler level. It’s easier to forgive a child for their transgressions, and it’s important to know we live in a world filled with adults at an emotional level of a toddler.
What have you learned from your suffering?
This part is interesting, and involves being able to see the light in the dark. How has your trauma served you? How has whatever shitty, unforgivable thing that happened to you been beneficial to your life? This is a big part in forgiveness because we are a sum total of our experiences, and without our traumas we wouldn’t be who we are.
It is important to acknowledge that we didn’t deserve to be hurt, but then see the good by deciphering what it has taught us. This could take some soul searching, but all experiences are lessons.
What has it prepared us for? From a higher perspective, maybe this experience was a teacher. Many serial abusers have patterns of behaviour that are identifiable. Past traumas create involuntary emotional responses – triggers – and maybe an early abusive experience prevents it from recurring as an adult. We tend to have similar experiences over and over again, until we learn from them.
People with NPD tend to behave the same in relationships. Their disability is emotional, and they are still in the developmental stage where they haven’t yet figured out the world isn’t all about them. If someone experiences narcissistic abuse in a relationship, and breaks free, they may be able to identify similar traits in others. This could prevent them from experiencing more trauma and abuse.
When you can get to a point of gratitude for your trauma, because of what it has taught you, this is a peaceful place. The emotional shift from anger, hate and fear, to one of gratitude, is profound. You will feel the inner change following forgiving someone, and move towards complete emotional healing.
Spiritual Perspective
We don’t all share the same spiritual beliefs. If you believe that your consciousness was created at your conception, and ends with the death of your body, then my beliefs won’t help you make sense of suffering.
I do believe in a soul and power higher greater than me. My soul came here to learn, and there is no greater teacher than pain. By allowing pain to dissipate, through acknowledging the past is no longer real, is an educational level of the human experience. To learn, that in this present moment, you no longer need to carry what does not serve you, is a powerful realization. The experience of healing from past traumas is a part of inner growth and the expansion of consciousness.
We need to forgive in order to heal.
How would we know what we know without the life experiences we have been given?
Stress causes physical illness. We can get sick from being around toxic people, and in toxic environments. Forgiving means releasing the energy that harms us. We were hurt and harmed in the past, yes, but the past no longer needs to continue its destruction.
Forgiveness, and releasing the past, is a measure of spiritual growth that has great rewards. It is possible to exist with a baseline emotions of anger and irritation, and be unaware that it’s a choice. Our triggered emotional responses are indications of unhealed wounds.
It’s important to know that you don’t need to be angry anymore. Spiritually, unconditional love is a vibrational goal. It’s hard to feel love for yourself when fear and anger are your predominant emotions. Unconditional love of self is a prerequisite for unconditional love of others. Our attachments to past pain keep us trapped in a lower vibrational state, and how we are feeling, in the present moment, impacts how our words, thoughts and actions.
It is these low vibrating emotional states that create dis-ease in our bodies.
If we could see all of ourselves from a higher perspective, I believe everyone who comes into our life has a lesson to teach us. This doesn’t justify someone’s actions, but it justifies the value of forgiveness.
I like to believe this life is like a blink of the eye in the realm of infinity. We get so preoccupied by this experience that we forget we are much more than what we know. Things once monumental to us, can turn into something meaningless. We chose this journey, and our traumas are no different.
Karma is a relevant concept, too. Maybe in a past life the roles were reversed, and you caused the same traumas for someone that you are now experiencing. These are ideas that can’t be proven, all I am certain of are the experiences I have had. But I do know a shift in perspective can alter the rest of our journey.
Learning to forgive what you once labeled unforgivable is powerful in terms of personal growth and transformation. It’s important to acknowledge you are worthy of peace and joy. The inability to forgive may be what is holding you back. I struggled to forgive because I treated my anger like a security blanket. I couldn’t imagine not being angry. It was all I had ever known.
Conclusion
It may seem impossible to forgive the unforgivable, but maybe new words need to be implemented. The mindset can shift into saying “I no longer deserve to suffer from past harm done to me. I choose to release all painful and low-vibrating emotions, because I deserve to feel well, and I am worthy of peace. I have learned from my pain. I will let go of the power, the person who hurt me, has over me.”
The pain of anger and resentment is real. As are the side effects of hanging on to those emotions. By finding the good in the bad, or the light in the dark, we can learn to be present in our current experience, rather than being distracted by triggers stemming from past traumas.
Changing the way we interpret things can change how we feel. By accepting that hurt people hurt people, and our suffering isn’t always a personal attack, we can learn to forgive. By incorporating spiritual beliefs, and acknowledging the important lessons learned, emotional pain will lessen through forgiveness and healing.
A perspective shift can change your world.